Merry Christmas! Christmas Songs as Seen by a Suspicious and Genre-Savvy Cynic(I promise, I actually like Christmas)

Merry Christmas!

So, originally I had the idea for this post much earlier in the week, but various things and doings got in the way of actually getting it out. Unfortunately, that makes me feel a bit like Scrooge or the Grinch, since I’m picking on Christmas songs. Wait! Don’t run away! I like Christmas songs, I promise! The post is intended to be a humorous/sarcastic take on some common songs, rather than bashing Christmas music. So, please take it in the spirit intended, rather than me being down on Christmas. I love Christmas, it’s my favorite holiday, it’s mere misfortune that I’m posting this almost on top of the day itself. I considered holding onto it until after, but I really don’t have any better ideas for a Christmas time post at the moment. So….

Christmas Songs as Seen by a Suspicious and Genre-Savvy Cynic:

Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer – A song that is, in essence, a lesson for children about how you have to be a cool kid. Not only is Rudolph bullied most of his life for being different, while Santa does nothing, he’s then expected to both save the day and suddenly be happy because everyone does an about face and invites him to all the parties. ‘Cause, you know, he’s a cool reindeer now.

Frosty the Snowman – Clearly this is a fantasy story. Magic hats with dancing snowmen. Only, this hat is more than a bit suspicious. Bringing inanimate objects to life, with an actual personality and ability to think for itself, that sounds like some pretty heavy dark magic to me. Like maybe that hat is a horcrux, soul jar, or a lich’s phylactery. He also wanted to play with the children right up until a traffic cop caught him, then he hurried off on his way, like he had a guilty conscience about something. Sure, it could be that he just had a few unpaid parking tickets, but on the other hand, maybe this hat thing was locked up in the attic for a reason and those children have unleashed some evil horror or dark wizard on the world.

Grandma Got Run Over My a Reindeer – Seriously? Do I even need to say anything? If this doesn’t sound like a Christmas episode of CSI to you, I don’t know what would. A drunk Grandmother who normally takes “medication” staggering around outside and apparently getting run over by a reindeer.
Which also, apparently, had a horseshoe(which, so far as I know, isn’t a reindeer thing) since she had “incriminating Claus marks on her back.” That sounds like a rather far fetched ploy to collect on a life insurance policy to me. Are we sure she wasn’t murdered by someone pretending to be Santa, or maybe she isn’t really dead? Better check the vacation home in Hawaii.

Santa Claus is Coming to Town – Sure, everyone has thought about how Santa Claus is a stalker because of this song…or at least everyone I know. But really, this sounds terrifyingly like the magical version of George Orwell’s “1984.” This guy’s got the whole world bugged, determining who is bad or good. He also breaks into your house once a year, just to let you know you aren’t safe. He even warns you when he is coming, just to make a point that you can’t stop him. Scary.

Up On the House Top – Quite aside from Santa giving “little Will” a whip, among other rather dangerous items, who thought it was a good idea to have a dozen reindeer and an overloaded sleigh on the roof? I’m thinking, unless these guys just hover there barely touching the roof, that they are likely to exceed the roof’s load limit by more than a little. I mean, those suckers weigh around 400lb each. 4800 pounds of reindeer, plus a sleigh, gifts, and an overweight gentleman, seems like a bad thing to have on the roof.

I Wish You a Merry Christmas – Okay, really? This song is basically about muggers who walk right up to your home to torture you with song repetitions until you give them some Figgy Pudding. (or milk and cookies in some modern versions). I don’t even need to twist this one, that’s literally all it’s about.

So, now that I’ve made everyone hate me…

Merry Christmas Everyone! Have fun, be safe, and try not to hurt Santa if you catch him in the house! On that note, if you haven’t already read it, check out my Christmas Short Story: The Christmas Job. I promise, it’s not nearly as twisted as the above songs. It even has a nice, happy ending.

God Bless!

-Jacen Aster

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